I don't know Chuck Norris, but I know a guy who knows a guy...

Herein the Author Seeks Legitimate Employment

Dear Hiring Executive:

I am finally ready to sell out to the man. I understand you are offering profit sharing and a 401k, but I am willing to work for Skittles. I am an excellent fit for this position because I know the location of Bigfoot's lair; I can give you the exact coordinates because I am detail-oriented. I know how to use a semicolon. I am not a people person, but for the right amount of candy and incentives, I'm willing to fake it. I am a great keeper of secrets; just ask my sister, the closet pyromaniac. I have extensive experience watching science fiction movies and reading surrealist novels. I play a mean game of Scrabble. Many people think I am pithy. You will enjoy my dry, acerbic wit at staff meetings and company picnics. I don't have any visible tattoos. I am willing to tuck in my shirt despite the fact the effect is unflattering. If I were a close, personal friend of Chuck Norris, I'd introduce you and we'd all share a blueberry pie. Let's have a job interview party! I will bring you apple cider and Jack Daniels cupcakes and three copies of my resume which may or may not be signed by Chuck Norris, because I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. I figure this might come in handy. I appreciate your taking the time to review my credentials and experience. I will call your office repeatedly at inconvenient times until you agree to meet with me.

Sincerely,

SJS