Saturday, September 19, 2015

some good things

Writing this post with my brand new laptop as my ten year old mac book has been stuttering and unreliable for months and stopped recognizing the keyboard and touchpad about a week ago. VERY EXCITED. I plan to totally write all kinds of stuff now that I have a proper computer again. The tablet is okay, but it's not the REAL THING.

Still muddling through as a working person. It's brutal sometimes but I am doing it, albeit at about three quarters--okay maybe half?? capacity.  I am finally off prednisone and can see my cheekbones again.  My digestive system is slightly better as I have not yakked in the work trash can in two weeks. It is still, however, more or less in ruins so we will see what the GI doctor says next week.

Watching: just finished season two of The Blacklist.

Reading: The Light Between Oceans which is okay but I keep setting it aside to sleep ZZZZZZ.

Cooking: absolutely nothing because gut problems and I am too exhausted to cope with dirty dishes.

Friday, August 14, 2015

system failure

I have been gluten free for a week now and I would totally cut a b&*$@ for a waffle.

The unpleasantness of living in this angry body never stops.

Not even sure if it's helping because I had an apple the other day and I felt like DYING afterwards.


Why I am not writing:

I am tired like deep deep inside my bone marrow and cell nuclei and my hair follicles.  I am distracted by my other responsibilities like managing things for people who still need me and dragging myself to work even though my body is on fire and trying to prep non allergic foods when all I want to do is sleep as the dishes pile up but I don't have the stamina to wash them and netflix is calling me and I am just too exhausted to read books anymore and I want to be my old self again but somehow this no longer seems possible.

I want to wear a beautiful dress and go on a cemetery tour at midnight and drink a summery cocktail and go to the movies and eat buttered popcorn and travel and write a kickass horror novel and learn how to apply winged eyeliner. I want an uncertain future that   seems like really really cool shit might still happen like everything is just rollercoasters and cake with bits of ordinary in between.


This message has been brought to you by almost an entire year of system failure.

Sunday, July 26, 2015


Gradually returning from extended dreamwalking in that unpleasant parallel plane of existence I visit when I am sick. Less shaky today having consumed one quarter of a sandwich last night without DYING. Also: chamomile tea is lovely and soothing.

I was so sick I was TOO SICK TO READ.

Let's add another stellar trip to the ER to my growing record although this was the most benign so far although I do not recommend dehydration it is very very awful to retch nonstop until all that comes out is some kind of foamy mucous again and again until it feels like someone cleaned out your stomach with a garden rake.

Maybe I need to start taking vitamins and change my diet to pricey organic superfoods. Maybe I need acupuncture or a voodoo priestess to lift whatever curse has been placed on my tired, sad body. I am beginning to feel that I'll try anything level of desperation to feel well and whole and energetic.

This totally has to start getting better. I am so overdue for a period of relative good health.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

@% $#&*!!

Still too sick to eat and the parasitic alien fetus that lives in my gut rejected the chocolate milkshake I made which makes me frustrated because aliens love milkshakes and everybody knows that. I am driving myself crazy with worry because I think flu? Ulcer? Failure of vital internal organs?   I don't fucking know but it's not normal to feel this bad for at least 10 solid days and not be able to eat as under normal circumstances I like food so very much. So far I can only tolerate jello and Gatorade.  Drag, dudes.

Friday, July 17, 2015


Fever, chills and nausea persist. Worked a whopping three hours today and had to call it quits by 9 a.m. Cancelled PT and went to bed. Attempted to eat some noodle soup which my body cruelly rejected. I do not know if this is flu or side effects of medication but I am totally miserable and want to give up this losing fight with my malfunctioning body.


Wednesday, July 15, 2015


The totally crap thing about  having a chronic illness is there is not a single day that goes by where you do not obsess about how you feel. I'm sure this is counterproductive but when you feel like someone has been beating you with brass knuckles and cast iron skillets all night and great clumps of hair slide down your back in the shower and you wake up feeling like you are going to vomit unless you hold very still and don't move it is hard to think about anything else.

I spend almost every spare moment sleeping after work and usually on my entire day off too.  I am often too tired to read for very long and it is difficult to stay awake to watch a 90 minute movie. The truth is this last year has been unbelievably sucky and I want to complain about it so I will do it here because it's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.

I am thinking about buying a pretty pill bag instead of using that plastic SMTWThFS case. This is how I treat myself these days. Ha!

I had PT today and my therapist dug around in my knee forEVER and it hurt so bad I had the shakes afterwards.

I spent the rest of the day on the couch.

For now this is more of my-living-with-chronic-illness blog instead of my poetry blog so let's just roll with it, okay?

Saturday, July 11, 2015


I find it nearly impossible to do anything mostly because a 40 hour work week takes everything I have to give and there is nothing left no energy to write or to make wonderful things like homemade bread or to dream but I am trying to be useful and productive blahblahblah.

This week was feverish and there were chills and nausea and headaches and my knees and ankles are still jacked up and I spent my day off sleeping and I was too tired to even watch anything on netflix or whatever.

Today was better. I made a short trip to the store and I made sandwiches and a fresh pitcher of iced tea and I am reading In Cold Blood and I am reading Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell. This has been a weird summer because I have to stay out of the sun. I am grateful for all my books today. I have become an indoor cat.