Sunday, February 15, 2015

Not dead, just feels like it

After another semi-long bout of illness (pericarditis, flu and strep) which knocked me on my ass for about ten days I am trying to get motivated to do something other than sleep or lie sleepless.  The world (my tiny little world of dull responsibilities) always implodes when I am immobile.  Yesterday was the first day I felt okay enough to get something done so I started working my way through the giant pile of sickness laundry which is the grossest thing ever.  The fevers peaked and broke for days and days. At one point my fever registered 105.2--no shit.  So there are many sweaty pajamas to wash.  Last week the Everybody-Loves-Raymond-Cardiologist asked, "Do you have any luck at all?"

Nope.

I have not written anything or read anything.  I need something wonderful to read now that I can hold my head upright for more than a minute and I think with a really good book things might look a little better. I am going back to work tomorrow (again) so hopefully I will not feel like hot garbage in the morning. 

I keep thinking I can somehow structure my life so that I am DOING MORE but this is challenging as I find that I need a significant amount of sleep to function (I often go to bed at 7:30 to get up at 5).  It's the creative stuff that gets ignored because somehow it gets pushed down below the bills and the parents and the laundry and work and those things don't go away as my Sisyphean dreams remind me often.  I have written a couple of poems.  Not many.  I don't know how everyone else is so productive.  I know the illness and fatigue are part of it, but sometimes it seems pointless but of course it isn't it's just so hard keep going.  


Not terribly upbeat today, but I might make some soup.  Soup is EVERYTHING.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

I have survived a week and a half of work so far and I am exhausted and not reading books or anything except on my breaks and lunch.  I am sleeping too much like nine or ten hours and I want to go to bed by six thirty but I make myself stay up until at least seven.  Basically I work for eight hours and then I come home and collapse.

I dreamed I was walking around with no pain and no limp but I woke up and it wasn't real.

Sometimes my ankles look like elephant stumps. 

I am more burned out than I expected.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

BRIEF

Last night I dreamed that my feet were deformed and my toes were twisted and pointing in all different directions which would require surgery and I am sure there was more to the dream but it slipped away as dreams do. 

Back to work this week.  Tired and sore but grateful to feel productive and to be back in the REAL WORLD and hoping everything will be okay. 





I sleep too much.


Saturday, January 17, 2015

Confessional Booth, part 1:

1. I have reached that point where I am tempted to take a scissors to my head and cut my own damn hair which never ends well so I am trying to talk myself out of it. 

2. My leg is totally jacked up today and it feels like it belongs to someone else like in that short story by Ray Bradbury ("Fever Dream") where the little boy feels the fever take over his body bit by bit until he disappears and is replaced entirely by the disease.  

3. My soup spoons arrived yesterday and they are beautiful.


Thursday, January 15, 2015

Elliptical Orbits and other Esoterica

According to my horoscope today is supposed to be pretty stellar but so far I am unimpressed.  I am supposed to be back in the REAL WORLD of work next week and I am hoping this goes as well as can be expected and therefore we have changed some medication to smack down all the horrible shit my body tries to do to itself.  YEP.  I wrote a poem yesterday and the day before that but they are very random pieces and wouldn't work with my manuscript but that's okay.

Watching: I am getting caught up with American Horror Story Freak Show although so far this is the weakest season and I am a little bored.  Meh.

Reading: Still on The Land of Love and Drowning which is so far just okay.  I am a little disappointed with this one too but there's still time for it to get my attention.  Maybe.

(obviously I don't like anything this week and I am hard to please.)

Cooking: I made some pretty excellent fried tacos with homemade salsa and chicken soup with leeks and yesterday I fried up some breaded pork chops in a cast iron skillet because I am OLD SCHOOL like that sometimes.  The fridge is full of good leftovers this week.  I have not baked at all but I am thinking about chocolate chip cookies with coconut or almond shortbread if I am not too tired this weekend but that's probably just the effing prednisone talking. HA!

Sometimes I want to avoid all of the paperwork and phone calls that dominate my home life these days and I put shit off so I make little bargains with myself like I will make one phone call and organize one file and pick one bill to pay and then I can eat lunch or read or whatever (basically I treat myself like a two year old).  It totally works though.   

 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

TRIAL & ERROR

I drove my car today without dying and I go back to work next week and my new pills are ginormous enough to choke a beluga whale. AND my odds of another allergic reaction are high because of my reaction to that last bad business so I am keeping benadryl in my purse.

Glorious. 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

If I had any dreams last night I don't remember them.  The check engine light is still on so the car must see the car doctor and I must see the people doctor tomorrow despite my doctor-o-phobia.  I have contemplated every possible health catastrophe at this point so I am TOTALLY PREPARED THOUGH. 

I am going to make so much soup this week now that I have wonderful things like leeks and parsnips and those little fine soup noodles and even some fresh herbs which are a total splurge in January. 

Both the five of pentacles and the five of wands have made multiple appearances in recent tarot readings.  I am also seeing the eight of swords.  This is a time of relative instability where things have been thrown out of balance and options seem limited.  Perhaps this will evolve in the coming weeks. 

........