Wednesday, December 17, 2014

List of Things I can Eat with a Locked Face

Rice pudding


Leek and Potato Soup with tiny soft rolls broken
into to little pieces and soaked in soup



Yesterday instead of baking xmas cookies I sat on the couch and watched The Shining and moved my ice pack back and forth between my knee and my face and occasionally my weird numb arm/wrist.  I committed to one of those cookie exchange things and immediately regretted it because I don't want to bake under pressure I only bake impulsively and for no reason.  Then I was thinking of shorting the cookie boxes by a few so I did not have to bake any more cookies but I am too compulsive and it just feels rude. I will bake one more batch this morning even though I do not want to chop any more candied ginger or wash any more bowls sticky with molasses because I said I would and also I think I overbaked the first batch they are not as soft as I wanted and I cannot chew anything less than 79 times slowly.  Letter arrived via email that said YOU ARE EXHAUSTED (of leave time for your broken body) and I already knew that but still it felt very apocalyptic. 

Worked on Chapbook MS yesterday and felt pretty good about it.  Like 2008 when I wrote all the time and was endlessly filling out online job applications and fretting over my student loans. 

I am beginning to realize that things are never going to to back to normal like five months ago when I could walk without a limp and drive safely and open my mouth wide enough to eat a sandwich.  I broke down and took pain pills yesterday though I don't like the LOOPY because I couldn't freaking stand it anymore and it feels like a failure.  I have to keep saying at least I am not on crutches anymore to remind myself that things are progressing albeit slowwwwwly.  Each day feels very small and spare and unpredictable and I do not know where anything is going.  I like timelines and predictable outcomes so this is going to make me Catshit Crazy unless I figure out a way to keep being fucking hilarious through all this bullshit while everybody says OH THINK POSITIVE. Okay.

Blah blah blah *pityparty* blah blah blah

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