There have been far far too many wakes lately. M has attended four in the last couple of weeks, I think. He has another tomorrow and so do I. I don't know why but early spring seems like an especially somber time to make an exit.
I am uncomfortable around loss and feel awkward.
I am also grateful to still be here and then it seems selfish to think like this. To say: I woke up this morning I had coffee with cream I called my mom I took a hot shower I took a nap I read something wonderful I paid some bills I sent my kid a funny text and to remember how lovely all this is in part because not everyone gets to enjoy one more day one more book one more cup of chamomile tea.
It feels like you are being chased by something in a bear suit or something in a black robe carrying a scythe or maybe just a good stiff tornado with your name tumbling in the debris.