I'm still here...

It's been a frustrating bit of one step forward two steps back and I'm just tired, tired, tired.  I went back to work and I was really, really happy about it only to end up in the hospital one week after going back which of course makes me feel like a jackass and I want to say I am not unreliable my body is unreliable but you can count on me but of course my body and I are inseparable so what's the diff?!?

So I have pyelonephritis with "inflammatory changes" to my kidney which is concerning but there is some confusion as to what's actually going on so who knows.  I've had two kidney infections in the last four months and now I have shingles which also hurts like CRAZY but isn't a big deal just annoying, right?

I want so badly to be healthy.

I don't want to be in pain every day.

Alas.

This is how autoimmune diseases like Lupus work: you take a bunch of meds to quiet the disease and then you can't fight off infections so you're sick all the time anyway.  What to dooooooo?!?

I don't know, honestly.

I should be back at work (again!) later this week.  Hope I am strong enough to do this.  I want to do this.  I want to have a normal, active life.

I want to work and write and travel and hang out with people I love because it all goes by so damn fast.  I see my mom curled up in her wheelchair and I think about illness, old age and death.  I wish I could make things better for her.  I've been looking at old photos and thinking about what lively, vibrant people my parents were not so long ago.  They weren't prepared for what was coming--a dementia diagnosis for both of them--but maybe that's for the best?

If I get through this hard week I'm going to devote some days to writing.  For Mom, for Dad, and for me.

When You are a Writer Who isn't Writing

It's been a quiet season, this period in my life defined by illness--both my own and that of my parents--and writing about anything has been a challenge.  Words prove slippery, elusive, hard to grasp.  I want to hibernate--to drink endless cups of fancy tea, binge watch Netflix, wrap myself in blankets and shut everything out.  My dad passed away in November.  His last few weeks were awful.

As a part of reclaiming the life I loved before everything got hella complicated, I decided to challenge myself to make writing part of my daily practice again this year.

The last four years have been an emotional shitstorm. I've spent more time Not Writing than Writing.  Hopefully, the hiatus will be over this year.  I'm ready to get back to it.  But...where to begin?

One of my goals is to read more, and to write more book reviews.  It's a good starting place: to immerse yourself the work of others and support your peers by buying their books and sharing what you love about their work.

I'm happy to see so many writers (myself included) getting back to their personal blogs, too. I find there's a depth to these blog entries that's lacking on social media.

I'm feeling ready to write, edit, and submit work again.

I'm grateful to my wonderful writer's group (shout out to No Crying in Poetry!) for keeping me from walking away from writing during this last, difficult year.

I've missed it all so much.

***

Dearest Darling Self,

Welcome back!  

Welcome back to reading and writing.

Welcome back to blogging and connecting.

Welcome back to submission anxiety and rejection. ( It will be okay. I promise.)

Welcome back to poetry.

Welcome back to flash fiction and essay writing.

Welcome back to blurbs and reviews.

Welcome to a whole new season of being a writer.  It might be very different from your previous experience.  Your voice has changed.  Your writing has changed.  This is to be expected.  

Everything is going to be fine.

Love,

Susan