Things that May or May Not Interest You

Fragment #1

1.) People are bat-shit crazy. Not me, though. I'm fine.

2.) I bought my first ever jar of Nutella and ate it with graham crackers and wasn't terribly impressed.

3.) Yesterday I found a star in my shoe and it was irritating the arch of my foot so I stomped on it and darkened the universe just a little.

4.) My printer is possessed by evil spirits. It makes spitting noises at me in the middle of the night.

5.) Dried blueberries are ever so much better than fat juicy ones in muffins and scones. I hate the texture of large, wet pieces of fruit in my breadstuffs.

6.) Once, there was a pretty little chapel in my head and I kept it clean and swept and well-lit. It has fallen into disrepair and is now overrun with chimeras and large angry spiders. I like it better this way.

***

Fragment #2

Dear August,

You have been hot and miserable. I shall not miss you. You are a succubus with fiery hair that sucks the breath out of my lungs and blows hot cinders into my eyes so they itch and itch and itch. Prepare for banishment, albeit temporary.

***

Fragment #3

Mythologies

Things that May or May Not be True:

1.) A spider will drink fluid from your eye while you sleep.

2.) It is perfectly safe to buy a pulled pork sandwich in a plastic bag from the scary workplace vending machine.

3.) Zero does not exist.

4.) If you watch the movie Candyman seven times you will die sometime within the next year.

5.) Carbohydrates do not make you fat. It's all a big lie.

6.) Right now I am wearing those rainbow striped socks with individual toes.

7.) It is quite possible to be buried alive. It happens more often than you'd believe.

8.) Chuck Norris loves you.

Random shite or brilliant observations? You decide.

Why can't I get this really bad pop song out of my head? Here's how it works: troubling lyrics invade my brain, simultaneously horrifying and fascinating me. They are utterly phallocentric and beg to be deconstructed.

"So hot, we'll melt your popsicle..."

REALLY Katy Perry? That's not even subtle.

***

Scary workplace vending machine item of the week: "Microwavable Nacho Dog (with Jalepenos!)"

I couldn't make this stuff up even if I tried.

***

Online social networks are insidious. I contemplate self-erasure daily. The Kid tells me this is not possible. I will always exist as a cluster of data. The fact that I ate a delicious bagel in 2008 will be stored on a server somewhere forever & ever.

Dissociation, displacement

I feel as though I have multiple selves & each one is slightly different from the other...One is quiet & one is more outgoing & one is downright reclusive & they are all rather clumsy & foolish because this cannot be remedied.

I have been people watching. As a result, I have seen too many people. People with handlebar mustaches & overalls & strange hats & those awful plastic croc shoes. Those shoes are a terror. Almost as terrifying as a real crocodile. A pink one with a bulbous head most likely.

Dear people of earth,
Discard those shoes. Immediately.

I need one of those staycations where I stay home and do nothing in particular except watch all the weird movies I want & read mystery novels & science fiction novels & poetry collections & make elaborate cakes & pots of gnocchi & homemade bread & all things carb-o-riffic. I don't want to drive anyone around or ask people happy questions or wear appropriate shoes. I don't want to wear makeup or shave my legs or answer the phone. I wish this were possible.

I feel like a misfit today. Mercury is in retrograde. Things will straighten out eventually, I imagine.

Fragments from the magic lamp and other ephemera

1.) I wish I were a wicked queen & I could order anyone who annoys me to do battle with a velociraptor. Of course they would be eaten, more or less immediately.

2.) I wish I had a couple of days to myself. I would wear pajamas & eat chocolate cake & watch David Lynch movies until my head implodes.

3.) I wish I could remake the world into a black & white movie & I could be a femme fatale in a slinky dress with a cigarette in a long holder. Intriguing characters would sip champagne & there would be witty banter & quite possibly a murder which would be solved by my wisecracking love interest. He might have a fedora, but this isn't entirely necessary.

***

Every day I forget myself just a bit more & more until my limbs flicker & fade all ghostlike and full of static. Sometimes I look down & see a mosquito bite & remember I am actually alive. This house is very hot & it's quite possible my brain has been poached by the high temperature. I have decided that when my time is my own, I will be more selective about how I spend it. This is probably unrealistic. I put up with far too many unnecessary aggravations in the form of mean- spirited automata masquerading as humans. There must be some method of gracefully removing myself from such situations. Sometimes it feels as if I have no place to hide.

Regardless of these anti-social impulses, I am feeling fortunate because I am in contact with a number of wonderful people who do not mind that I am kind of a dirty hippie & sometimes the house is dusty and the grass needs to be mowed and my hair is a mess because I am reading a book or making bread or napping on the sofa. I save being meticulous for the things that happen in my head. I am very good at not fitting in. This causes a certain amount of antipathy in this particular dimension, but fortunately, it's only about half the time. Well, maybe three-quarters, but I'm in no mood to split hairs.

A few things...

Please check out the Freudian hysteria going on here. We know all about your dreams. We're going to tell your mother.

***

Got Poetry? Submit.

***

This Saturday (August 14) my illustrious guest editor, Kristina Marie Darling, will be reading at Quimby's! So will I! Come and listen.

Saturday, August 14, 2010
7:00 p.m.
Quimby's
1854 W. North Ave
Chicago, IL 60622

***

There will be cyborgs and music and strange machines. Don't miss it.

Tonight!

Monday, August 9th
7:00 -- open mic sign-up begins
7:30 -- open mic (5 minutes per reader)
9:00 -- featured reader

Molly Malone's Irish Pub
7652 Madison Street
Forest Park, IL
708-366-8073

Hosts Nina Corwin and Al DeGenova invite you to the Molly Malone's Open Mic and Reading Series. Be part of one of the longest running and most highly respected open mics in the Chicago area.

featuring poet and editor Susan Slaviero

Susan Slaviero's first full length book of poetry, CYBORGIA, has just been released on Mayapple Press. She is also the author of two poetry chapbooks: An Introduction to the Archetypes (Shadowbox Press, 2008) and Apocrypha (Dancing Girl Press, 2009). Her work has appeared in journals Fourteen Hills, Flyway, Caffeine Destiny, wicked alice, Mythic Delirium, Goblin Fruit, Eclectica, RHINO and others. Susan is also on the editorial staff of blossombones.

$5 if you can, $3 if you can't

Poetry/fiction at Molly's is the second Monday of every month.

Feel free to forward this notice to your writing pals...we love new faces with new voices.

Good Things

August begins with a bit of happy literary news:

Janelle Elyse Kihlstrom had reviewed CYBORGIA at Melusine! Go visit.

***

This morning I woke up to a lovely monster storm. There's something cozy about the rain; it reminds me of playing checkers inside and baking vanilla cupcakes and haunted houses.

I am thinking about autumn. I am ready for summer to be over. You can almost smell the harvest coming, all smoky and crisp. I want apples and pumpkins and mums and dry leaves under my feet. I want to switch from iced Luzianne to hot chai. Or perhaps a spicy cider.

Soon.

I woke up early to make these wonderful muffins that taste like donuts. Guh and double guh. I did a crapload of laundry at 6 in the a.m. and I am working tonight until 10. Who needs sleep anyway? I am hella efficient. Ha.